I'm not sure if I should be reviewing Feng Shui Academy at the moment, but fuck it I'm going to review these two games. It's been a while since I reviewed a game (no I won't call Katawa Shoujo a game, just a visual novel based on decision making, I can't call anything a game unless it had either a score system or involved any sort of competition in it) so I shall begin reviewing a game about murdering demons and possibly next week a game about murdering high school students and possibly teachers if you go Cirno mode.
Painkiller: Hell and Damnation is the HD remake of the original Painkiller. It means that there's no more murdering invisible enemies in a frozen environment and then turning into a demon in order to kill Lucifer himself, no more of that colossal demolition guy with the giant square croquet mallet, and no more of that part with clones of Marisa Kirisame hovering above you and giving the haters a chance to pin her to the ground with an electric shuriken or a flaming log.
However, this Painkiller is different from the original, which means there's just 4 (yes, fucking FOUR) chapters and this time you have a new weapon called the Soul Catcher, which is basically a sawblade-shooting handheld device that learned TM19 back in Hoenn. What I like about this is that if you're equipped with that tarot card that increases your sawblade's damage, is quite satisfying, especially if you shoot it at multiple enemies at once. The rest of the weapons still have their same power, except the electrodriver (the gun that shoots SHURIKENS AND LIGHTNING) loses a lot less electricity than previously, except when wiping out mass crowds of mooks, which will still drain an assload of juice.
Correction, Painkiller is somewhat still the same as the previous one, which may be disappointing to the veterans, but as a game for the next generation n00bs I think this is worth a try. I mean, I can't bother playing the first Painkiller because I can't find one in ThePirateBay (NAUGHTY CALICA!) so I pretty much decided to play the latest one instead. I won't review the multiplayer version because I don't devote myself to video games that much (except for maybe Touhou Project or ROBLOX, but what the hell) and that I am too busy to, again, devote myself to any video games I ever play at all (except for maybe Touhou Project- OKAY, YOU GET THE POINT).
What I like about this game is the fact that its big ass bosses remind me of Shadow of The Colossus but with some huge lumps of gold-electroplated shit protruding out of its eye sockets. I still hate the fucking Necrogiant, though, especially when it's half-dead or more than half-dead, like Youmu or Mike the Headless Chicken. At certain intervals that giant motherfucker would either punch the ground and summon his spooky scary skeleton army at me, or finger the clouds and impale me through my ass. If I were Tenshi I'd enjoy that even though I would be either dead or renamed "Tenko Spitroast". The final boss, which was predictably Death himself, the one who Daniel Garner made a deal with in the very first level, isn't really that great. He's just similar to those purple-red-white hooded floating guys from Tomb Raider: The Prophecy in terms of fighting - just float around fast to dodge bullets. In Tomb Raider: The Prophecy, however, there's no such thing as a miss as every shot you fire will always hit your opponents. Painkiller, however, doesn't integrate automatic lock-on systems into the game, which is what I really like, since it adds challenges to the game unlike Grand Theft Auto IV or San Andreas PS2 version. However, some (or probably MOST) of the challenges added in this game are REALLY FUCKING HARD TO ACCOMPLISH.
Let's begin with unlocking tarot cards - some of these involved having to kill the Necrogiant within two minutes, which I fucking can't because it's too impossible with that fucking tornado thing. There's also the part which has physics involved to go to other places and unlock secret locations, which is also part of some tarot card unlocking challenges. These secrets are the equivalent of Mirror's Edge's yellow lunchboxes, where you have to go to certain places which are impossible to reach without focusing on any possible time limits or some such bullshit such as collecting hundreds of coins by destroying objects, because some of these objects ARE your only chances of ever reaching those secret locations in the first place, except in that one level with the hidden farting planks with the "beat level in under 7 or so minutes" challenge and the hooded axe-wielding thugs.
The guns in Painkiller H&D are greatly designed. I don't have to review the first Painkiller to review its guns since the guns in this game and the first one are both awfully familiar. The shotgun seems to be the most generic of all the guns. I don't find it as fun as the rest, since the electrodriver, the soul catcher and the stake gun are some of my most favorite guns. The painkiller's okay as long as it never runs out of ammo, the stake gun's okay as long as I can still somehow pin enemies to walls without gibbing them, the soul catcher's okay as long as I'm cutting people in half, and the minigun is okay as long as I still have HE rounds for it, since the bullets of this gun alone are much weaker than an acupuncture crossbow. The shotgun is still one of the most reliable guns against larger crowds of annoying twats or a giant twat since it can shoot a cold beam Captain Cold style and freeze the guy, allowing you to get instant kills. It doesn't work on the giant FAT twats, though, since they can take a lot more damage than what is deemed realistically possible. That happened one time in that orphanage thing with the spiral library where one of the fat twats seemed totally impossible to kill despite having staked his face so many times that you can reenact that TF2 Gentlemen meme with his face alone. It also doesn't work on bosses, since they're, duh, bosses. The shotgun, while being somehow long-ranged, still deals a lot less damage than the explosive electric shuriken gun, which I find very pleasing to use, except that its shurikens explode in a short range that, despite dealing a lot more damage when exploding, is fucking short ranged. So this gun is better against bosses that reach close to your face like that winged demon twat or other similar twat bosses.
Okay, we're done with all the gameplay shit, how about the story? It's absolutely shit. My level of storytelling reaches that of the Grand Theft Auto series, Bayonetta or Katawa Shoujo. But at least Painkiller's story isn't as terrible as Kane & Lynch 2's or Foodfight's. It begins long after the end of the original Painkiller where Daniel was left with killing a shitload of winged demons with his ice cream shotgun. That, or its other expansion packs might have explained what happened afterwards. Daniel Garner sits down in some cemetery and is greeted by Death himself, where he gives Daniel the badass sawblade-throwing Giga Drain device. He's given the task of collecting 7000 souls in order to grant him his beloved back, and he's the only one who can promise Daniel that, unlike those corrupt angels and demons. Anyways, while collecting 7000 souls, a slut named Eve comes by and tries to turn Daniel on but fails since he is no longer a virgin. Later on in the game, Death says that the giga-sawblade is missing one more soul, and for some stupid fucking reason Daniel decides to NOT get Eve's soul even though this is his only way to get his beloved and that Eve's already willing to die for it. Then Death just gets Eve's soul for himself and prepares to leave, but Daniel shoots the carpenter's soul-absorb weapon off Death's hand and begins an epic final battle, where it ends with Daniel on the hospital and told by Eve that Death never dies, and that he has become some bright-ass demon's sidekick.
SPOILER WARNING! If you read the above, I apologize for ruining it, because fuck you.
So that's Painkiller: Hell and Damnation, proof that a remake might be necessary for a certain game's best or worst. But since Hell and Damnation is both a remake AND a sequel, I call this bullshit. Stories in games, if made like some shitty Hollywood film, is going to leave a lot of plot holes and skull fucking confusions. This is why I'm glad that Foodfight didn't go much worse than it already is, because if it does then both Putin and Obama might feel so disappointed about the film that they would probably both decide to send both MIRV and the Tsar Bomba into the center of the Earth and kill us all happily ever after. I do wonder if that will be the case of any possible sequels to Painkiller, however.